I don't know what's clicked. This trippy mindset is ridiculous.
Two summers ago I was having a pretty rough time. It was the summer before college and I was having one of those, "who am I?!" moments much to the dismay of my parents. What got me through it? Friends? Family? To a certain extent, sure, but it was really something else that I would attribute my recovery to - hip hop.
Something about the attitude made me relate to it. I mean, unlike Memphis Bleek, I wasn't on the streets running from the cops again, but I was driving my Minivan to and from a job I really hated, having angsty thoughts the whole time. That's sort of the same...
Point is, at certain not-so-sunny times in my life I seem to always identify with a certain genre of music that makes me feel better. Hip hop said to me, "life may suck right now, there may be hard times, but screw it, you'll survive. In the meantime, you just have material to use for creativity." So I listened to it, felt the angst, got angry at myself and how things were, and survived. I rolled up in Charlottesville in my dirty beige Dodge Caravan blasting Amy Winehouse's "You Know I'm No Good" Remix (it counts as hip hop!) or Mos Def's "Ms. Fat Booty," with my sunglasses and poker face on. I probably looked ridiculous, but true to form, I didn't care.
Now, my new nirvana is electronic music. As I said before, I was listening to this song and for some reason my whole attitude changed in that moment. Instead of the harsh, "yeah, you're here whether you like it or not, but it's gonna be cool," voice, I got a, "you don't even need to be there right now if you don't want to" whisper.
It's not that I'm disillusioned with Italy, I'm not. I was only unhappy with where my thoughts were always drifting. Like two summers ago, I was confused again about what composed Me. What would I do and what wouldn't be something I would do?
As I've always found, the best part about being in the pits emotionally is that you eventually come out. I've discovered one thing that is continually a part of my personality, and it's that I'm a big fan of reinvention when something isn't working out. The most fun about questioning who you are is often forgetting who that person was entirely and just reinventing. Sure, the important foundations are laid quickly and easily, but once that is done, all of the quirks and little odds and ends can create an entirely different individual - and this is what came out this time.

1 comment:

Stephanie said...

I just wanted to let you know that your blog has become my crack.